


Who You Are Under Their Shell

by DefaltManifesto



Series: Becoming a Pack [26]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Heart-to-Heart, Making Out, PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-28
Updated: 2014-10-28
Packaged: 2018-02-22 23:10:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2525174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefaltManifesto/pseuds/DefaltManifesto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lydia was starting to learn that she didn't have to be the unwavering pillar of strength everyone expected her to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who You Are Under Their Shell

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be Lydia/Jackson. It was also supposed to have smut. And it also wasn't supposed to have any plot in it. I don't know what happened. But I hope you enjoy regardless. Title taken from A Walk Through Hell by Say Anything.

[The Tumblr](http://schizzar.tumblr.com)

Lydia glared at the book sitting on her dresser. She could feel it calling to her, a weird tug in her chest that begged her to open the worn journal and read its secrets. But there was an equally strong voice telling her to stay away, that it wasn't time yet. Time for _what_ she didn't know. She wished Jackson had never brought it back with him. Wished he'd never even met the stupid Selkie.

She rolled onto her stomach, slamming her biology book shut in favor of screaming out her frustration into her duvet. It didn't matter if she was in the same room as the journal or not. It was impossible to escape the conflicting feelings. She was still somewhat glad to have it. It served as proof that there were indeed other banshees out there and the knowledge that she wasn't alone was comforting to some degree.

Lydia shifted on to her back and pulled her phone out of her pocket, scrolling down to Boyd's number. He picked up on the third ring.            

"Hey," he said. "Something wrong?"

"Just want some company," she said. "I need a distraction."

"Oh, so that's all I'm good for." Boyd's tone was joking but the words still made Lydia wince.

"Of course not. If I only wanted a distraction, I'd call Allison. She's got a very talented-"

"Alright, alright. I'll be over in a bit," Boyd said with a laugh.

He hung up before Lydia got a chance to give a snarky reply. She did feel a bit bad though. She had been doing her best to spread out her affection as wide as she could, taking care of her pack because it made her happy to do so. Still, she found it hard to pull Boyd close. She knew he _wanted_ her attention. Knew he craved it as much as the other's but often chose to repress it. And she definitely liked his company. He was one of the few who was capable of making her feel like _she_ was being the one taken care of.

She got off her bed and opened her window. The fresh air was still a bit chilly, but she didn't bother with a jacket as she crawled out onto her roof. Feeling... _anything_ helped distract her from the overwhelming thoughts that the journal on her desk created. She wondered if it was something she'd be able to escape. Part of her felt like the knowledge that there were others like her had keyed her brain into some sort of weird supernatural psychic link. She couldn't make out any words, only feelings, but she just wanted a quiet head. It didn't help that she didn't want to talk about it with anyone. She didn't want to be a burden, not when they were all still recovering and trying to get their feet underneath them.

"Hey, you want me to come up there or are you coming down here?" Boyd called.

Lydia looked up to see Boyd standing in her backyard at the far end of the covered pool. He wore his usual jeans and leather jacket with a beaming smile that instantly made her feel better. She patted the roof beside her.

"You can come here," she said.

Boyd walked around the edge of the pool and then scaled the support beams of her porch to climb up onto the roof beside her. She shifted closer to him once she sat down and after a beat of hesitation, she just climbed into his lap instead, curling up against his chest. His warmth was comforting as he wrapped his arms around her, and the buzzing feelings faded to the back of her mind.

"I've missed you," Lydia mumbled, tucking her face into his neck.

"Well you've been busy," Boyd said. "It's not like I expect your attention."

"But you should," Lydia said with a frown as she twisted in his arms to look up at him. "If you need me, I should help."

Boyd ran a hand through her hair. "That would imply you're a robot with no need to relax. You don't have to take care of everyone."

"Yes I do," Lydia said, slumping against him and looking out over her backyard.

"Who said you did?" Boyd asked.

"Derek. Well, sort of. He said I was the 'Female Alpha' or whatever, and he takes care of everyone so I figured I should too," Lydia said. "It's not that unrealistic."

Boyd snorted. "Yeah it is. Derek doesn't do anything _but_ worry about us. He doesn't have anything better to do. We've all got...futures. Futures not attached to all of this werewolf crap."

Lydia frowned because really, Boyd was _right_. And that was sad. Of course, she loved the pack and there was no way she could ever claim that they weren't the most important part of her life. But Derek...they were the only thing he had. Of course he poured all of his energy into making sure they were taken care of, because he'd have nothing left if anything happened to them.

"Besides," Boyd continued. "I don't care what we've been through. We're still kids. You don't have to shoulder the burden of being an adult, not now. Not when we aren't fighting for our lives."

Lydia laid her arms over his where they were wrapped around her middle. "I guess you're right. Well, I _know_ you're right. I just..." She clenched her fingers into tight fists.

"Want to be in control of everything?"

"Yes!" Lydia took a deep breath and unclenched her fists. "God, it's so frustrating. I know I can't do everything but I _want_ to because at least then if something goes wrong, I know who to blame."

"You really shouldn't hold yourself to that high of a standard Lydia," Boyd said.

"What, like you don't do the exact same thing?" Lydia asked, shifting to look up at him once more.

Boyd glanced away and gave a small shrug. "I mean...I do, but that doesn't make it okay."

Lydia thumped her head back against his chest. "So maybe we both need to lower our standards."

"Yeah, probably. Being realistic is generally a good idea," Boyd said dryly.

Lydia sighed and closed her eyes again. "How do I be realistic about the standards I set for myself if I don't even know what I'm capable of."

"What do you mean?" Boyd asked.

"Just..." Lydia waved a hand dismissively. "Jackson brought this journal back from that resort he goes to. It was owned by a banshee that knew something bad was going to happen and it's got a message for me. Supposedly."

"You haven't looked?" Boyd sounded scandalized by the idea.

"It's not that simple," Lydia said, keeping her eyes closed as she rubbed her temples. The buzzing feelings were back. "I've got...some part of me saying it's not the right time to look, but the other part is demanding that I do."

"Okay...?"

Lydia gave a frustrated sigh. "I don't mean like... _my_ feelings. It's something else, some external thing and I can't make either part shut up."

"Why didn't you say something sooner?" Boyd asked. "If you've got something trying to control you again-"       

"It's _not_ like that." Lydia jerked away from him, goose bumps breaking out across her skin. Looking down into her backyard, all she could think about was the night she'd brought Peter back and that... "No. It's not like that at all."

"Lydia, I'm sorry," Boyd said, shifting a little closer but not trying to pull her back towards him. "I didn't mean to bring back any memories."

"No, no, you're fine, it's fine," Lydia said, wrapping her arms tight around herself as she began to shake. "It's just...this is more of an annoyance and I can drown it out if I try hard enough. What happened with Peter...that...none of that was in my control and it was awful and I...I would never let something like that happen again."

"It's okay. I trust you," Boyd said. "Do you want me to stay back?"

Lydia glanced back at him, guilt settling low in her gut when she saw how concerned he was. "No, you're fine. It's fine."

She turned back around and Boyd shifted closer again. She took a deep breath, steadying her nerves as she tried to shove thoughts of Peter and what he'd done away. Boyd hesitated another moment before wrapping an arm around her waist. She leaned back against him, trying to stop the shaking that was starting to make her muscles cramp up.

"Sometimes I forget that. I mean...forget how all of that made me feel," Lydia said.

Boyd released her so he could rub her shoulders instead. "He's dead now. Really dead. He can't get you."

"I know. I know that, I'm not stupid, it's just when I...when I think about it I feel like it's going to happen again," Lydia said. "I can't help it."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up," Boyd said.

"Yeah, and I shouldn't be so sensitive," Lydia said.

"You have a right to be," Boyd said. "You don't have to be a pillar of unwavering strength. No one expects you to be. Not even Derek."

Lydia closed her eyes, going limp against him as he wrapped his arms back around her. Inevitably, her shaking slowed. The odd panic that had made her heart race faster faded away and she let the worry leave her because Boyd was right. She didn't need to be strong. Not right now. Not with him. Of course, rationally, she knew she didn't have to be the strong one at all, but she _wanted_ to be.       

_Open me, you don't have time-_

_-It's too soon, stay-_

_-Now, it must be-_

_-Away, stay away-_

_-You must-_

"God damn it, I'm going to burn that fucking book," Lydia grumbled, rubbing her temples, but then she froze, eyes opening wide.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Boyd asked.

"Just...you know how I said it was just feelings? About the journal I mean," Lydia said. "Well, it's voices now. Definitely voices."

"Should we tell Derek?"

"No, not yet. Not tonight," Lydia said, sitting up and squeezing her eyes shut as she tried to block out the noise. "It's not...dangerous. It doesn't feel that way. It's just _annoying_. And loud."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah I just wish they'd shut up is all. It's hard to sleep or concentrate," she said, turning around to face him head on.

He seemed nervous, like he was torn between believing her and dragging her off to see Derek or Deaton. "Okay, fine. But you'll talk to someone yeah? Tomorrow?"

"Sure, yes," Lydia said.

"Is there anything else I can do to help?" Boyd asked.

Lydia stared at him, then surged forward and pressed their lips together. She squeezed her eyes shut tight, not wanting to see his surprise or his reaction, just wanting to feel him, control him, control what was happening-           

"Hey..." Boyd eased her away, slow, by her shoulders. "Lydia, I'm...definitely on board but, are you sure you're okay?"

Lydia sighed, a loud and exasperated noise. "Yes I just...distraction Boyd. I was hoping I could just make out with you or something, is that okay?"

Boyd laughed, raising a single eyebrow. "Well you definitely know how to ask for what you want."

"Yes, I certainly do," Lydia said.

She moved forward again and this time Boyd didn't protest. He laid back on the roof and let her slide over him, his hands resting on her hips, squeezing lightly as she slotted her mouth against his. She focused hard on the feel of him, refusing to let the feelings and voices radiating from the book distract her. She chased the taste of his lips with single-minded determination.

He didn't give in though, made her fight for it, which was perfect because nothing distracted her the way a challenge did. She framed his jaw with her hands and arched closer, pressing herself as close to him as she could, unable to help a slow roll of her hips. It wasn't meant to turn him on, she just went with what felt right. Boyd let her do as she pleased, though he still refused to let her dominate the kiss, and even when she could feel him getting hard against her, he didn't try to push for anything more.

She couldn't remember the last time she just...made out with someone. Usually she was determined to make her partner come, but with Boyd, it was just about feeling safe; not adequate, not powerful, just...safe. She supposed in some way it was a power play, because she could do as she pleased and she _knew_ Boyd would do his best to give her what she wanted, what she needed, but she didn't _want_ to push him for more than he wanted to give.

So they made out. It was a bit sloppy, and more than once his thumbs brushed her sides in a way that stirred a startled laugh out of her chest, but she liked it. And she knew he liked it. By the time she started to ease away from him, she was shivering from the cold of the night that was growing deeper with every passing minute. For a few moments, she remained astride his waist, hands on his shoulders as she stared down at him. His lips were shiny, swollen even, from how much they had kissed, and he looked as content as she felt.

"Better?" he asked, crooking up an eyebrow again.

"Yeah," she said with a smile. "A lot...actually."

"Want me to stay?"

She stretched back out over him, sneaking her arms up along his sides to cover them in the open flaps of his jacket before burying her face in his neck. "Always."

He rested an arm over her lower back and settled in to stare up at the stars.


End file.
